SHORTS

The Arguing Man

The strangest thing and you know what that is? No one is surprised. Why is that? Simple. Because it could have been. That’s the truth. And that’s the thing, isn’t it. I said to this fella, the one in the pub with the loud voice. You know the one. He’s in every bar, in every city, in all the countries. The one who’d argue about anything. I said to him about how it happened. I told him all about it. But no, he wouldn’t have it. He had to stick his oar right on in. He took a huge swig of a pint glass and then was almost shouting. So I had to say, Whoa there fella, I said, hang onto your life a bit and he said, What? So I said think about it. Think about everything in this world. There’s stuff going on all the time and he said, So. So I said, you're not thinking about it. Stuff is happening but you don’t ever think about it. Calming down a bit he asked me how I knew so much. I replied, I don’t, but what I do know is it could’ve. What do you mean it could’ve? He asked. So I said, It’s always about what could have been, that’s the thing, isn’t it. We never know the truth. We read the papers. We see the news. We listen to all the claptrap but we never know for sure, do we. All we can do is say, “Well, it’s what could’ve been, I suppose.” So matey, I said to him, what’s the point of arguing.

The Ironic Car Man

Dave Morant drove into the town car park. He did not notice the two car thieves with electronic scanning devices. One lingering near the pay machine and one patrolling the parking bays. Having parked and paid he pressed his keyless fob and locked his car then strolled through the alleyway to the High Street. He was meeting a friend for lunch in a restaurant on the opposite side of the street. Checking the traffic he stepped out from between two parked cars to cross the road. Suddenly a car sped out of the car park entrance, headed down the High Street and, before he could react, knocked him flying. Fortunately a passing community policeman rushed over to check if Dave was injured. He was speaking into his radio. Seeing Dave was only shaken and grazed he said, “Don’t worry I got the car registration and have radioed it in. They should catch the driver shortly. The car is registered to someone called Dave Morant.

The Cheat

Dexter saw him drop his phone as he rushed past and unaware carried on running. Dexter picked it up and started after him. To give it back. It rang and he answered.

“Hi, who’s this?”

“It’s Jane where are you. You’re late.”

He recognised the voice. The familiarity of ten years.

“Jane it’s Dexter. Who are you calling?”

“I……..” and she hung up.

The Smuggler

There was the signal. Three quick flashes punctuated the darkness with a momentary brightness.

Feint but distinguishable. The smuggler slipped silently forward. He knew the well-trodden path ended at the village and turned the corner expecting his contact. The startled policeman with cigarette hanging from his bottom lip dropped his flaming Zippo lighter but his partner drew his gun.

The Drunk

I didn’t understand what his problem was. Maybe the same as mine but I’m not so sure. The lady behind him in the queue was falling over laughing. The checkout girl was giggling as she loaded the sixth bottle of Bourbon into my bag. Then the six bags of nuts. In reply to her question I just said, "Dinner." Yeah, sure there was a bit of a slur. Oh, and some forehead sweat... And a bit of shaking. In fact a load of shaking. But it was all that water stacked high in his trolley. All I said was, "You down on your luck?" and he said, "What do you mean?" So I said, "Looks like you're going to drown yourself." That’s when the lady laughed and the checkout girl giggled. Then he just looked at me with one of those kind of f-off looks and said, "Looks like you’ve a problem," and added, "Matey," which sort of made me think he was a touch annoyed. That and the look of course. All eyes and bared teeth. So I said, "No problem, fella." I added the fella bit just for the hell of it. "No problem fella," I said, "Just that Bourbon’s better than water to drown in if you gotta drown in something." Then I thought a bit. Looked at the water again and said, "You wanna swap, I think I’m done with shaking."

The Lucky Man

Right next to the phone box the incessant buzz of two chain saws in flat out mode caused the fella to frown, shout something into the hand set, and hang up. Slamming the door he left to the sound of an horrendous cracking. A splitting of wood. A strange whooshing of air and an extremely loud crash. Looking back he saw an ancient oak with rotted core sitting quite neatly on top of the obliterated phone box.

The Vegetarian

He is strong. He is resilient. He is so stoic. He used to spit on adversity but now he farts on it. He used to eat meat but has just become vegetarian. He is currently sitting in the smallest room waiting for his body to adjust. 

The Conned Con Man

Archie thought “what a dope”. Archie is a conman who moments before had sold two thousand pounds of costume jewellery as ten thousand pounds of diamond encrusted gold. Enjoyed dinner paying with two fifties from the brown holdall. A tap on the shoulder. “Can you please explain these counterfeit notes?”

The Sick Man

He was in the doctor's waiting for heart test results reading the magazine article about how four o'clock in the morning is a prime time to die of a heart attack in your sleep. That night he put his alarm on for three forty five in the morning so he would be awake at four. His obituary read, "He died of a heart attack brought on by the sudden shock of a very loud alarm bell."